White Chicks

So, I reach into the mailbox today and grab the mail, some “have you seen me” crap and a magazine, it wasn’t mine, it was Micki’s so I didn’t pay much attention. On the elevator ride up I look at the cover, it’s Cosmo and I’m thinking, wow that is a cute white girl. I get to my place grab my keys, sling the mail on the counter and take off my coat and shoes, grab a stool and a beer and decide to find out who this cute white girl is. Some may have issue with my “cute white girl reference”, so that will be addressed in the second part of this blog. I scour the cover and low and behold it’s Beyonce Knowles. Now this isn’t the first time I’ve experienced this– it seems her ethnicity varies depending on what magazine she’s on or in. There’s white Beyonce and Black Beyonce. I’m not pointing the finger at her, I’m pointing the finger at Cosmo, the bible of European beauty, and Vanity Fair, etc., the magazines that make the girl up to look like a white woman to don the cover of their magazine. Now some may say Beyonce is damn near on the cusp– but being a yellow Negro in the know– there’s no way in hell she’s passing.

I’ll touch on that light skinned dark skinned good and bad hair never dying monster later, right now this is black and white. Late in 2005 there was some prime time specials on Black women not getting the cover of magazines and constituting X amount of the readership yet appearing on the cover something like one percent of the time. Some Black women’s advocate agency spoke up, they got some drops from Tara Banks and the thin lipped girl, umm umm Gabrielle Union and some other folks, and contacted some magazines and I guess the mojo was in motion. The next few months Ms. Knowles is everywhere albeit absent the infamous “money maker”. Yet not only was the laffy not taffied, her skin tone was several shades lighter, hair bone straight and the lips and the nose looked like modern day Egyptians had taken a chisel to them. Not to say Beyonce doesn’t get her unbeweavable Euro look on– the chick is blonde half the time, but Black-blonde, sorta like a stripper hoe or a really cute Lil Kim. Now to further complicate this “black/white” thing, I do not wish to assert that white magazines portray her as white and black magazines as black– several white magazines appreciate the bodacious bronze beauty– just not your John Q. “the white woman’s godliness is the standard of beauty, why you think we started the Klan” Whiteman mags. Some may argue that the ilk of the magazine may deternine her “look” but she can be Black and sophisticated and classy.

Now I’m no card carrying member of the Beyonce fan club like most dudes I know, I can’t front she looks damn good, but I would never grab some lotion and a rag, lock a door with screams of “oh Beyonce, oh Beyonce” filling the air, so don’t think this is a worshipping admirer’s defense or anything. I just think it’s some bullshit– major bullshit. For a Black woman to don the cover of Cosmo she has to rock the Elle McPherson look? Do an image search and when you find white Beyonce look at the source, and do be careful, there is a porn star that’s named Beyonce and in comparison even while naked she looks like a rash with a weave. Well that’s just my honest opinion. I’ve added a few mag covers below.

White Beyonce on the cover of Vanity Fair

Black Beyonce–Juice Magazine

Black Beyonce–Rolling Stone

Which brings me to part deux of this post. Up above I said “cute white woman” as if it’s an oddity and white woman aren’t cute. That’s simply not true and not what I believe at all, my preference just happens to be for Black women and white women don’t get the drool glands working or Mr. mojo rising. It has nothing to do with how I was raised or some Black power shit or anything, I just can count on my fingers the white women I have found really attractive to me. I can see how other people can find them attractive as in some are so attractive they just exude attractiveness and you can’t front on how banging they are (see: husband stealing, pregnant, chronic adopter). So for me it’s not a Black/white thing, quarterly me and the lady might get into an argument because she thinks I have a thing for Hispanic/Latin women. Hispanic/Latin women or light skinned women to hear her tell it. Now my only thing is her, but to be fair, I did have a preference for fair skinned women.

Before you guys head straight to the comments page “Tif you just spewed all that b.s. and now you hating on dark skinned sistas you light bright and damn near white house nig..”– I said preference. And I honestly believe Freud had some major points and I think my preference is Oedipal. Not that I have or had any desire to– ick I won’t even say it– with my mom, I think I am a human being that always envisioned their partner in the image of their mother. A fair skinned curly haired, thin woman. Now my mom has put on the grandma weight, yet I have no “fair skinned graying, grammommy weight” preferences, but I think my youth inked in my head what I liked and it was in the vision of my mother.

Therefore it takes a special look on a white woman or a dark skinned woman to attract me. I was thinking about this the other day and thinking of the chocolate sisters that I’ve found myself attracted to: Kenya Moore and the chick from House Party and Class Act that disappeared off the face of the Earth. I think she quit acting and joined the CIA, because if Google can’t find your ass, you don’t exist. Google is like God’s website– if you aren’t Googable to some extent you are a symptom of metaphysics. As I digress, I’ve tackled a few things here that may be hard to swallow if you don’t chew with an extremely unbiased mouth. Let’s talk about it.